Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
