We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
