Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
