I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize