what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
