i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
