the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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