Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
