Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
