Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Sober January is a disaster.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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