Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
