I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Walk of Shame today included voting.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I am available for nakedness
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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