can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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