nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
