he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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