Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
