I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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