You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
