The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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