so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
