oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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