Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
