and next time when you feel me up, do it right
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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