My underwear smells like fireworks.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
