I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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