apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
