he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
