I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
And then he peed in my hair
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