Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
