i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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