After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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