I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
