I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
