Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
