I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
