Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
