I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
