Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
