i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
