Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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