I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
