p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
