His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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