She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
