i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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