we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
