saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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