fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
