Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize