So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize