I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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