You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
