I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
