Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
