I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
