Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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