Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
