I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
