My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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