you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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